June 17, 2019

Ranking Gen 8 Starters

Collin Hall (21', Editor-in-Chief)

Grookey, Scorbunny, or Sobble? A question as old as time. Well, as old as last Wednesday, February 27th when The Pokemon Company descended from on high to deliver unto us three questionable new starters for the upcoming Pokemon Sword and Shield.

Why do all three Pokemon have football-shaped heads? Why do Pokemon games remain hugely unambitious? Why can’t we have an over-the-shoulder camera? These are questions for another day. Today, we rank these three little squirts and forever canonize the hierarchy of their importance.

3. Scorbunny. A monster. I hate him. I have a great fear that Scorbunny, the poor thing, is going to evolve into a furry-bait, sexy-bunny soccer player. Look at what happened to poor Lopunny before him. The last fire-type starter’s final evolution, Incineroar, was already uncomfortably like a bodacious wrestler in a catsuit. Someone please tell Gamefreak that fire type starters are allowed to be quadrupeds. My hopes for Scorbunny: a ferocious, quadrupedal attack rabbit of fire/ground typing.

2. I very badly want to love Sobble. He’s a classic underdog with a proposteriously cute name. What Gen-Z college kid can’t empathize on some level with a sobbing wet salamander who just wants to be left alone? But I don’t think I can get on board with his massive melon-shaped head. And really, why do all three starters have watermelons for brains? Either they really worked out too hard at the library, or Gamefreak’s designs are just a tad lazy. My hopes for Sobble: a cunning, but distractingly bizarre, salamander-like Pokemon who can blend into his surroundings and throw his tail to distract opponents. Water / ghost typing.

3. Grookey is the only Gen 8 starter who wears his football head with style. I admit, I have never seen a monkey whose head is wider than his body. But that’s okay. Grookey is the most immediately captivating starter since Rowlet. I really hope he uses the little stick in his hair to perform magic. His little beak mouth thing is adorable and I want a plush of him ASAP. My hopes for Grookey: a fierce but still cute monkey that doesn’t have long, stringy limbs. Grass / fairy typing.

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