By: Eric Kinyon ‘19
Okay, so if you are reading this I can tell that the headline has not scared you off. That is good, because the rest of this article is going to be a lot more of that kind of potentially scary stuff.
Still on? Great, let us proceed.
Picture this: an abandoned warehouse. Inside, a makeshift ring a la Fight Club. Our presidential hopeful can be seen warming up at each corner, cracking knuckles and shrugging shoulders.
Now, first off you might be thinking, ‘Wait a minute, if this is a fist fight, won’t Trump have the advantage as a male?’
But we are not sexist, so we are not going to answer that question.
The first aspect of this violent dilemma is simply that of age–and let me tell you, things are not looking so good for our contestants there. Weighing in at 70 years for Trump and 68 years for Hillary, the last time either one of these folks fought someone was probably in 1960.
I mean, just looking at either one of these fellas move is like watching an old automobile slowly chug its way down a highway at 20 mph. The fact that either one of these people are old enough to be someone’s grandparent really begs the question of whether or not we should even be talking about this.
Let us just focus on anatomy, then. Oh boy, things are particularly not looking good for Clinton on this front. Did you know that Trump is over 6 feet tall and, if elected, would be the tallest president since Lincoln? Well, now you do. Hillary would not stand a chance against this behemoth of a man. All he would have to do is put his hand on her head until she tired herself out trying to reach his body with her feeble punches.
Speaking of feeble, Hillary’s health has not been doing too well recently either. That recent bout of pneumonia was enough to cause her to collapse during her visit to the 9/11 memorial in New York. How much more would it affect her in a fight to the death with a ruthless businessman out for blood? Looks like it is Trump all the way.
Hold on a minute, though. A wise man once said, “The key to victory is to know your enemy,” and with her former job as the secretary of state, Hillary must have had numerous dealings with the CIA. That doubtlessly would have left her with an advance knowledge of human anatomy. Trump’s blows would fall uselessly on her head as she attacks his pressure points one by one, reducing him to a pile of trembling rubble.
The issues settled, then. Hillary would win, right? Wrong. We have not even talked about vice presidential candidates who doubtless would be called in to help if the goings got rough.
To the VPs, then. Pence looks kind of like the dad from Johnny Quest while Kaine looks like he is perpetually buying Christmas gifts for his grandson, and so I am going give this one to Pence because I do not really know anything else about either of them.
Honestly though, nobody actually cares about these guys anyway.
All things considered then, it is 2 to 1 in favor of Trump, and I think we can call this one for him. There really is just too much going for him and he–wait! Who is that?!! Holy crap, it is Gary Freaking Johnson! A climber of mountains and a walker of Appalachian trails, this titan of a man would run circles around both of the candidates before finishing them off with a series of free border inducing blows. What a knockout!
There you have it folks. Trump beats Hillary–but good ol’ awkward, marijuana growing, “I’m a cool Dad” freaking Gary, beats everyone. Unlike what will happen in the election.
…what? Too soon?
P.S. Jill Stein was absent here because she is in jail.